10 years

Yup. 10 years. Happy crappyversary! As you can tell, I feel like crap about this.

Instead of this day being a celebration, it's a very shameful day. Haters are going to gloat and fans might try to be understanding. But that doesn't change the fact that this is a terrible day. It's the day that terrified me for over 6 years, and it's finally here.

All I can say is that I feel terrible for MoGi Origins and the original backers. Not being able to move past this project is a heavy weight in my life as well. I can't even start a new kickstarter campaign without being ridiculed about failing this one. And so, I'm stuck in limbo, with my fate tied to this game.

This curse has been following me my entire life. I kept trying to find partners to make games and each time, my games get abandoned. I have probably made graphics for over 10 games that various programmers lost interest and bailed... even if these games were their concept

Maybe these guys didn't have the same spark as I did. Or maybe it's me as I had also friends and girlfriends abandoning me. But it's me that feels betrayed, and when the only games that I have finished are games that I worked on my own (with 2 exceptions), then I know that it is not my fault. And most of the "friends" that I have now drag me down. They are depressive,without any motivation in life and even their beliefs are messed up. So, I avoid them just to keep my sanity. 

Break time! Let's enjoy Elf from MoGi Origins
as she has some fun with an Enforcer!

In any case, I'm in a bad and non-creative mood at this point in life. I haven't even played games for months, as I don't find joy in most things. I feel that a lot of things have piled up inside my head and I'm overwhelmed by the tiniest things. Everything feels like a chore. Even the forced "change your discord name" was too much for me to handle. Ridiculous, I know.

I think I'm overwhelmed with projects and that's why I'm shutting down like this. I had ongoing projects when my Hard Drive broke. During the time that I was restoring the data, I started new projects. So now that I got the Hard Drive back, I got both new and old projects to finish... videos, video games and card games. And MoGi! My mind just wants hide until I find a way to deal with all that. I'm probably going through a burn out phase.

Here's something funny! Most of the MoGi data is not restored from the Hard Drive. That broke me. I asked the technician out of desperation to double check just a single folder to see what he can do about it. It had 90% success! WTF right? As it seems, the technician was recovering the MoGi folder using "the old way". But the "new way" is highly successful! Yeah, thank for wasting my time man... but at least I *will* get my files back. Again. Some day. Fuck...

Another reason my morale is low is because I was working nonstop on CypherGrid for 3 months. I had a few positive reviews but I had to keep working and correcting aspects of the game. And when I was done, I decided that I want to re-do it. To add a better story and tutorial. So, I had to start from scratch. And with that thought, my brain shut down. I fucking want to do it so bad, but I feel too tired at the same time.

I was like that back in November. I hope my mood will change soon. I hate my self when I'm being like this. And the 10 year mark makes me feel even worse. Well, not sure how cathartic this rant was... Nothing good comes easy and I want to apologize for my negativity. Sometimes the constant rejection from "friends", partners and even family can get to you. And then you have only yourself to rely on.

Regarding MoGi, I'm still looking for a new programmer. I emailed Titan (the game's original programmer) today, asking why he ghosts me. When someone does that to you after a decade of support and sacrifices... you know. It hurts.